Stop Telling the Victims of America’s Abuse to “Be Civil” and “Get Along”
Imagine entering a shelter for victims of abuse and asking, “Why can’t you just get along with your partner?” This is the dismissive and cruel question we pose to marginalized people when we tell them to ignore the lineage of suffering that America, the abuser, has caused.
Last month we witnessed the conclusion of the trial of Derek Chauvin for the brutal murder of George Floyd, a painfully poignant example of the history of abuse toward Black people in this country. From the 4 million deaths of African people caused by the Middle Passage, to the unbearable misery of chattel slavery, to the completely broken promise of 40 acres and a mule, to the recorded lynchings of over 3,400 Black people, to government-mandated voter suppression, to red-lining, to the absolute destruction of any successful Black area (Manhattan Beach aka Bruce’s Beach, Central Park aka Seneca Village, Black Wall Street, etc.), to disproportionate police brutality and mass incarceration, the list of documented and flagrant abuse is endless.
And yet we ask, “Why are you so angry?” We say, “Just be civil.” In a world carefully designed to ignore their needs, we force marginalized people to not only carry the weight of the abuse, but also the immense burden of correcting the problem. The solution proposed by many: simply pretend the abuse isn’t happening.
As a survivor of abuse, I know the utter pain of a dismissive, gaslighting response. I know the internal struggle of desperately seeking answers to why you can’t get along with the person abusing you. You reach into the abyss of the darkness, begging to understand why this pain is inflicted, and why, when you cry out against it, you are blamed for it. The end result is a hideously erroneous message that you are the problem.
In my work with people who are currently incarcerated, those from low-resource communities, and/or undocumented immigrants, I constantly hear the message, “I just have to stay positive. I just gotta work to make things better.” While it’s true that personal responsibility plays an important role in the lives we live, ignored, untreated trauma inflicted by others can destroy us. We may find ourselves with an endless impotence to change our situations. We blame ourselves, we try our best to work harder, and yet nothing changes. We internalize the failure to create a future filled with realistic hope or achievable dreams, and we not only continue to suffer, but we endure an inexplicable depression that haunts us.
What a world it would be if abusers atoned for the pain they’d caused. Imagine the healing that could take place if abusers could acknowledge the repulsive reality they’d created. Envision the possibility for reconciliation if abusers could actively work to improve, grow and learn. Unfortunately, many of us know from experience that the only way to end a toxic domestic relationship is for the abused, though already in a wholly dangerous situation, to courageously stand up and fight for a healthier relationship, a safer life. As they do this, there must be an accessible system of support, resources, and people championing their bravery. It is our duty to rally around these valiant warriors as they advocate for a brighter road ahead.
In the abusive relationship between our country and the oppressed victims of its abuse, we saw many brave activists come into mainstream focus in 2020, though they’d been organizing, standing up, kneeling down, fighting for a better life for generations. They are our family members, calling attention to the dangerously violent relationship in which they are forced to be involved, and we must stand by their side. We must advocate with them, insisting on a healthier union, of which everyone can safely be a part. We cannot permit the dismissal of their pain and thus, enable abusers who ignore reality by asking everyone to “get along.”